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English to Real English to German translations

When English people sayÖ

What they really mean isÖ

What German people understand

I know where you are coming from

I disagree and think you are an idiot

He understands and accepts my point of view

With due respectÖ

You are wrong or an idiot. Or both.

He respects me

Thatís not so bad

Thatís fantastic, superb, wonderful

The quality of work is just about acceptable

I would like to suggestÖ

Do it at once. Do not disobey or elseÖ

I can think about it some more before I do anything

Oh, by the way, did I mentionÖ

This is the whole point of the meeting

This is just an incidental unimportant issue

I am a little bit disappointed thatÖ

I am seething with anger and most upset

He doesnít mind very much

Interesting

Not interested

Heís interested

Nice

Itís the equivalent of dog shit

He thinks itís nice

You are delightfully different

You smell bad

He thinks I am original

Itís an odd way to express it

Let me out of here

He wants to hear more

You have a charming way about you

You are probably a pervert

He finds me charming

I will bear it in mind

I will do nothing at all. Ever

He is thinking about it

We must meet for dinner

Goodbye

I will get a dinner invitation soon

Itís probably my fault

Itís YOUR fault, you bloody imbecile

He admits that it was his fault

I hear what youíre saying

I disagree and donít wish to discuss further

My viewpoint is understood

I donít wish to criticise

Itís shit, itís rubbish and you are an idiot

There is no major criticism

We must do lunch sometime

Donít call me, Iíll call you - maybe

We will be fixing a lunch date soon

Fine

Shut up. Stop discussing this crap

It is fine

Thatís really quite all right

It is NOT all right AT ALL, you idiot

There is no problem at all

Of course you can do that

If you do that, you are dead meat

I should do that, of course

It wonít be easy

Hahaha - itís impossible, dickhead!

Itís not so easy but quite possible

Come at 8pm

Come sometime between 8:15-8:30pm

Ring the doorbell at 8pm

I wouldnít say No

I want it! Now!

He is not really that interested

Whatever

I am bored and wish you would go away

He sounds very open-minded

Go right ahead

You are an idiot if you want to do this

He wants me to go ahead

This is out of order

It is completely unacceptable

Something is not working properly

 

 

 

 

Travel Tips for Germans Visiting London

Tens of thousands of people have asked me (and I am not exaggerating) about the right and wrong things to do when visiting London from abroad. After telling millions of people for the billionth time the same tips, I have decided to compile a simplified guide to the hidden aspects of the English character which would be most useful and insightful for visitors to London. Please note that I will not be held responsible for anything written here, or for any loss, legal costs or medical bills incurred as a result of using this free unbiased guide.

Contrary to popular belief, the English are a warm, welcoming race who enjoys physical contact and boisterous camaraderie. They just don't like to show it. So, for example, when entering a London train from the airport, it is customary for all new visitors to go around shaking hands with everyone in the same carriage while saying, "Yakki Dah". You may not have observed this behaviour done by other people (or even in films) but that is simply because everyone in the train already knows everyone else.

Getting around in London is very easy. For example, one can safely ignore the signs on the buses. They just show where the bus will end up but the drivers can go any route they like. So just get on a bus and tell the driver the address you want and he will take you there. You may have to repeat yourself a few times as many of the drivers are actually not English-speaking. However, the bus drivers are also fountains of information about the best dining places to visit for ethnic food so try not to have too long conversations with them as some of the older passengers may be on their way to collect their pensions and they want to collect it before they die.

Taxis are also easy to catch and even more comfortable. There is only one fare to pay throughout London, which is £1.50. The meter just shows a suggested fare which is optional and can be safely ignored if you don't have the money or the right change. Whatever you do, do not ever tip a London taxi driver. They don't expect it and it will only embarrass them.

In London, as anywhere else, it is considered rude to pass gas (fart) in public places. This is true except for English pubs, as this is where one consumes a lot of gassy beers and stouts. So it is quite normal to express enjoyment of the beers by emitting farts as loudly as possible, as a measure of your appreciation of the drinks and service. Often you will see people in pubs suddenly lean sideways, express a fart and continue a conversation. It is a little known fact but drinking English beers do not cause odorous flatulence so farting is not considered a public menace. However, one would be well advised not to express vigorous farts when drunk, for obvious reasons. You know you are drunk when you cannot feel your upper lip. If you cannot feel both your lips, then it may be time to go home, if you can.

A little-known tip for getting service in English pubs is by waving an open umbrella from your table seat. When the barman catches your eye, he will send someone over immediately to take your order. There is no reason to queue at the bar unless you are ridiculously thirsty. The same tactic also applies in night clubs and discos. Now you understand why that great British singer Rihanna wrote that song about umbrellas.

In London, a traditional dish which one must sample is beef. But not just any beef. One must ask for beef which has been certified with the British Standard of Excellence, a very distinguished award for only the best British beef. So when ordering, just tell the waiter that you wish for "BSE Beef" or "Beef with the BSE". Quite often the waiter will attempt to decline your order because such beef is in very short supply so just insist on talking to the manager about it. Raise your voice so that the other diners can hear you, if you wish. They don't mind and everyone will realise that you are a discerning diner.